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the problem of forgiving

it was the night when the medication was taken off from my father. i didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. the heavy air seemed to press me through the ground, i could barely breathe. i thought it would be best to be left alone. i wouldn't be able to keep anyone company at the moment.

yet, at the same time i desperately needed someone i could be myself with. someone with whom i didn't have to pretend that i was doing just fine. i wanted more than anything to let it out. this thing that's been gnawing at me for the past three weeks. i was exhausted. i didn't have the strength to pretend anymore. i wanted to be allowed to be weak, to be allowed to cry, to be held and to be told that everything would be ok. that this would all pass. that i would be able to manage somehow.

just a few days before, he told me, "i will be there for you. i will help you get through this."

that night, i was supposed to meet him. but i didn't feel like going out. all i could think about was whether my father was in pain. whether he was going to make it through the night (my father passed away the next morning).

"sorry, i don't think i want to go anywhere tonight. can we please meet tomorrow night instead?" then came the reply,"i might be going out with my friend tomorrow. let's just do it some other time."

a sharp pang of pain slashed my insides. 'some other time?'
when you see someone you care about is drowning, would you help and get her out of the water right then, or would you tell her, 'i'll help you some other time, when i'm not too busy having fun with this other girl' and just leave her to drown?

yet he knew very well that he was the only one who could pull me through. it had been a mere 4 months since i came home, and i didn't have anybody else. he was the only one with whom i didn't feel the need to hold my tears because of my responsibilities to others. the only one with whom i could take a break from being 'fine.'

"i will be there for you. i will help you get through this," he said.
and yet, that night my father was dying and all he could say was 'let's do it some other time.'

maybe i was being selfish, but the last thing i needed at that moment was basa-basi. don't promise or offer anything if you didn't really mean what you said.

of course, i thought bitterly. promises were nothing but words. and he always put her first before me these past few months anyway, even before the break-up. why would this time be any different?

god, how i hated them!

that was almost 2 months ago. he did spend time with me the next day, after the sad news. and a few times more afterwards as my shoulder to cry on. of course, i was grateful to have the old support system back, even only occasionally.

still... reality is, she tops his list of preferences almost every time. that was only one of many examples to illustrate the fact. and it's still very hard for me to accept the betrayal (what has she ever done for you? why do you care more about her? we've known each other for almost 4 years. you just know her for 4 months, and you're willing to lose me over her?)

it was one of those harder days, only less than 3 weeks after my father passed away, when i asked him if he could do me a favor and keep me company, just a dinner or anything that could distract me and at least bring me out of the house where all i did was just grieving and crying. he agreed to have dinner the next day.

but of course, next day turned to be a different story. he told me he wasn't going to have dinner with me after all. he wanted to go out with his co-workers to the movies because the girl wanted to watch 'batman begins.' but he told me i could come with them if i wanted to (ah, how nice). i don't know what ridiculous reasonings prompted me to say yes to the invitation, but i said it nevertheless.

totally the wrongest thing to do. they decided to play pool instead, because we already missed the movie. and i had to actually sit and watch for 3 long hours how intimate they were to each other. what's worse, the girl was the touchy-feely type, who for some reason had to stand at most 5-inch apart and always had to physically touch him when she talked.

how insensitive can you get?

maybe it's common for some people to assume that after 2-3 weeks of losing a parent, you'd be back to your perfectly normal, happy self. well, that is not the case. on the contrary, it only gets harder as days becomes weeks, and you start to overcome your initial shock and the loss becomes painfully real. you finally realize this person you loved simply won't be there anymore, and you won't ever see him again.

i'd never thought i was the kind of person who could hold a grudge for more than a few days. i'd never been someone who couldn't (and wouldn't) forgive. i'd be hurt or angry, but then it would melt away after a while. but this time there's not a trace of the usual tug of a wish to make peace, to forgive, and later, to forget. i just can't let it go. i can't forgive them. the more i try to forget, the more i remember. all the lies, all the hurtful words, all the things he did and did not do, all the girls. all the disappointments. all the pain.

they say time heals. i'm hoping it does eventually. but can it restore faith as well?


hi des, i'm sorry you've been through so much lately. big hug from belanda. you know i'm on the other side of the screen on MSN, right, whenever you just want to talk or curse?

p.s. gue dulu refer ke mantan gue sbg "si kampret" sampe suatu saat gue ketemu dia dan ngga sengaja manggil dia "eh, ada kampret, apa kabar loe?"

p.p.s. and you were not being selfish: a man should keep his words.

thanks yas, i appreciate it :)

Hi Des,

Setelah baca posting lo gue jadi introspeksi. Jangan-jangan gue juga pernah janji-janji surga sama orang. It really got me thinking.

Feel free to drop me a line or two if you'd like to talk some time.

des, baru tau ceritanya.
call me lah kalau butuh ngobrol.
lebih aman ngobrol ama omĀ²

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

it's just matter of time. Don't give up on hope. You will find the right one for you!

dia udah kenal elu for 4 years and willing to put you after a girl that he just know for 4 months, that is just WRONG!

thanks for your thoughtfulness, you guys are so sweet :)

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