part 2
just got this email (excerpt attached below) from a friend that sent me back into re-thinking the concept of 'home'... from what i understood, for him home does not necessarily equate friends and loved ones, cuz they, too, changed with time. and i whole-heartedly agree with that. people and things that we grew up with are no longer the same when we come back to them, and neither are we. people like us, who spent a large part of our lives away from home, eventually lost the meaning of home completely. we assimilate half way, like mutants. we don't belong either here or there. we're strangers wherever we go, even when we go home to the place where we claim to have our roots. all roads are going forward to the unknown, can't make a u-turn and go back.
he further claimed that the sense of home goes much deeper than just relationships with people. when you dig deep in your soul, this big gaping hole that is the source of all your thirst is just a need to connect with your Creator. i really want to believe that it's true. however, i'm probably just too shallow or too selfish (or a combination of both), to have a conviction in that thought. i often take God for granted when my life is running smoothly... i don't even bother to say my night-time prayer anymore, when i should be saying grace for all the abundance of blessings i've been given... i only come when i have problems, when i need help and comfort... very selfish, very human... nothing to be proud of... a lot of times i don't even bother to make an effort! i wish i could go back ten years and be once again the girl who had so much faith and trust in both God and people.
---------- excerpt from email ----------
"...don't know why, in the middle of tonight i thought of you. it's my time to reflect. you know what i sense of me? i get tired as i get older. that tireness is what makes me want a place for the soul to rest. i call this a home.
do fame and fortune make up a good home? not for me. they form a home without a base. metaphorically, storm, blizzard and rain will gradually tear it down. do social safety net of friends and loved ones form the real home? may be. but still they too are temporal. they come and go. a lot of reasons why such is the case.
it turns out home is not only hard to define, moreover it's not easy to find. even the home where we once lived and were raised could not sustain the home we long for. this is exactly why, in my case, i turn to faith. i am no longer dealing with a need that comes from the flesh, but a need that comes from the core of my being. i call it the soul, a term that we have so taken for granted without knowing what it really is. i don't think anybody knows what it is. St. Augustine said the soul can not rest until it finally acknowledges the One who creates it and lay all its burden on Him. the scripture says -forgive for my imprecise cut of the scripture- come to Me all you who are weary and burdened for I will give you rest. i suspect the Designer knew the design more than the design knows itself. so He knew infinitely what it means to be a human, what a human suffer from and finally the real remedy for our suffering.
again, desi, belief came and overwhelm me, for this belief is neither superstitious, pretentious, judgemental, nor positive thinking. as unsuccessful as i may be, i was trying to show that our deeper needs beyond flesh are timelessly captured in even the very simple teachings that the Book contained. even if i live thousands of years, with increasing knowledge and experience, i could never fully realize the power it has, and how it can transcend life to a meaningful one..."