about connection & home part 1
what is it about 'home' that it matters so much to people?
it actually occured to me a few nights ago, as i was talking with nael about the concept of companionship... it seems that there is this similar pattern among indonesians like us, whose homes are literally on the other side of the globe, of a hollow within ourselves we cannot fill... the feeling is very much there, yet you can't really put your finger on it and explain exactly what it is...
is it homesickness that pretended to heal only to take on another form as we live here longer... ??
but after a few years, we don't even miss home anymore... we have our own lives here... we might not even be too happy if we have to stay for too long during a vacation home... we want to get back to our own apartments, our cubes at the office, our independence, and the comfort of living in a modern world called america, away from the humid heat and hours of traffic jam, away from the annoying people who don't know the meaning of 'standing in line,' from the depressing poverty on every street corner, under bridges and along the dirty brown water of ciliwung, as far away as possible from the third-world realities we call 'home.'
so what is it that keeps us coming back, even leave america for good in the end because we can no longer resist the urge beyond logic and good common sense to go home, feeling that we can never reach true happiness here?
are we just plain crazy or dumb?
what is it about home that even though we complain about it so much, we can never get enough of it?
if i have to sort my answers from the most to the least substantial, they would be in this order:
1) family & friends
2) food
3) my love for indonesia (haha, yeah laugh all you want, but it's true!)
realizing that i put family and friends at the top, i draw another conclusion that they are important to me because we have that special connection with each other... there's this sense of security and comfort in my relationships with them, a sense that i belong, and a clear definition of my identity.
ok, someone stop me, i'm rambling! i'm not even sure i understand what i'm talking about... this is just how i'm feeling right now....
anyway, as i was saying, friends and family are very important, and for me, those words are interchangeable with the word 'home.'
if here i can find, or at least replicate, enough people that 'connect' with me the same way as those dear ones do, maybe, just maybe... that odd hollow feeling would not be so ever-present... and perhaps 'home' would eventually lose its meaning then...
instead, i found that you can distract yourself for a while with superficial companionships and live from moment to moment, but beyond those moments there is still the looming need for a true connection, for a home where you feel comfortable just being yourself.
it's hard to find people you can really connect with, even harder when you have to live in a society that has a completely different culture and a very different perceptions of things... the language barrier alone makes it hard, even if only to laugh at a joke...
well, you can adapt in the sense that you give in to what surrounds you, but you can never melt and become a part of it...
based on cultural and language problems alone, it is pretty safe to conclude that, in general, it would be much easier to develop new connections (not to mention proximity to the existing ones) in the comfort of your own country... thus, going home... thus, happiness.
hmmm... i'm beginning to get very sleepy... maybe i'll continue tomorrow, if i can manage to stay in the deep-thoughts mode for such a long period of time.
well, just in case, here's my very obvious conclusion of it all:
connection = people you connect with = home = true happiness!!!
the end. for now.