restless
these past few days i've been feeling very restless... part of it is my anxiety about taking the GRE at the end of next month (i've just started to really study last friday. damn this laziness!), finishing my scholarship application essay, and concentrating on the never-ending project of redesigning my portfolio for the 9,000th time.
another reason why i've been feeling so weird is, i think, the passing away of my last surviving grandmother. she died in peace on monday at 2pm, in her afternoon nap at her home in tomohon, north sulawesi. she was 93 years old.
when i first heard the news, i was quite shocked, of course, but there was no sadness. i had not seen my grandma since 1997. we only talked on the phone once or twice afterwards, without really communicating, since she had begun to lose her memories then. so that morning, i went to work as usual and went about my daily business just like i would in any other monday without really thinking about her.
after work, i went home, had dinner, and was just reading my emails, when suddenly, without any apparent reason, i just started sobbing and couldn't stop for about an hour. i'm not sure what that was... it wasn't something i can really put into words and explain properly...
did my grandmother truly have a happy life during those 93 years? did she get all the things she ever wished for in life? did she get to do everything she wanted to do? what was it like for her to grow old? did she feel that her purpose in life has been achieved and did she think her life indeed has a meaning, after 93 years? how long did 93 years feel like? did it feel like it drag forever, or did she wake up one morning and find that ninety years had suddenly passed without waiting for her?
i know she's probably happier now, waving at all her grandchildren from the heavens above. but deep inside, part of me would still be missing her, and the other part would still be wondering what it would be like to reach such an old age and realize there's not much time left.
infact, even now, we have no idea when we're gonna die. if i die today, can i truthfully say that my life has a meaning? that i've done my shares making someone's life a little bit better?
Comments
whoa, des.. that's a deep thought. humans, as far as i know, always have this admiration about they mystery of death. death is not something we can predict therefore we should make the full out of every living day we passed by. i agree with that quote, "live your life as you're going to die tomorrow..."
condolensces on your grandma.. i hope her soul will be at peace at His side.
Posted by: sLesTa | August 13, 2003 05:39 PM
turut berduka cita, des...
tomohon, eh? my grandparents are from there as well. considering how small the town is, we could've been neighbors or something.
Posted by: thalia | August 13, 2003 07:45 PM
thanks all...
thal, your grandparents are from tomohon as well? wah, jangan2 kita sebenernya related... heheh... what's their family name? orang menado kan kalo ditelusuri2 lagi sebenernya semuanya related to each other in some ways (gara2 orang jaman dulu kan kawinnya biasanya sama temen2 sekampungnya juga!)
Posted by: d | August 13, 2003 08:27 PM
des, that's funny, i was thinking about my last surviving grandmother too today (before reading your blog). it's because lately she's been complaining a lot to my mother about not feeling very well on a daily basis. this year she will be 80. and i was wondering about similar things, like what living for 80 years is like. it's unimaginable to me. that's such a long time. like, you know, when we read about some stuff that happened in the 40s or 50s, it's unimaginable already, it feels so far away. yet, my grandmother was in her 20s and 30s then, and your late grandmother was in already in her 30s or 40s. right now, we're barely at that age.
anyway, turut berduka cita...
Posted by: w | August 13, 2003 10:34 PM
93, what a long live. Turut berduka cita, d.
Posted by: xinda | August 13, 2003 11:24 PM
kalo dari opa: pojoh. kalo dari oma: tulaar (hihihi, beda satu huruf!). familiar ngga?
Posted by: thalia | August 14, 2003 04:56 AM
hehehe... iya bisa beda satu huruf doang gitu sih... pojoh? that sounds familiar... ntar deh ya gue tanyain ma nyokap. biasanya nyokap yg bisa langsung tau; kalo sama fam yg ini hubungannya begini, fam yg itu sodaraan sama si ini lewat si itu... gitu deh.
Posted by: d | August 14, 2003 11:33 PM